Take a walk into your local shopping mall and you’ll find the usual staples: Macy’s, fulfilling every grandmother’s Christmas gift needs, Cinnabon, filling the air with that classic sickly sweet scent, and lastly, Urban Outfitters, a haven for all quirky teenagers looking for a new outfit. As you walk inside an Urban Outfitters, you are met with mobs of people that all look the same, but as you take a closer look, it is pretty easy to spot the different types of people.
The art hoe is a classic visitor of Urban Outfitters. She scans through the store meticulously searching for trends, donning mom jeans, a graphic t-shirt and a pair of Birkenstocks. On her back is a Kanken backpack that displays a variety of pins and patches, including an avocado, a pride flag, and pin that says FEMINISM in big, cursive writing. In addition, the art hoe has a surplus of hobbies, including listening to indie music on vintage record players and Instagram-posting about Earth Day, but the art hoe never seems to actually make any art.
The next type of person that is commonly found in an Urban Outfitters is a more rare breed. These people lurk in the back of the store, trying on Champion hoodies of every hue and longingly staring at the newest pair of checkerboard Vans. A pair of clout goggles sits upon their heads and a Ziploc baggie of joints lay deep in their cargo pants. The edgy teen spends their time listening to – or in some cases, creating – rap music on Soundcloud, as well as posting grungy photos online and tweeting about why marijuana should be legal. Next time you find yourself in an Urban Outfitters, take a look for some edgy teens. They tend to be harder to come by, but they travel in packs, making them a bit easier to spot.
Lastly, you will find the most common type of person, a swarm inhabiting your local Urban Outfitters, buying glitter scrunchies and spraying Mario Badescu facial spray all over their faces. Holding a Starbucks Frappuccino and wearing a Vera Bradley lanyard around her neck, the basic bitch talks about you and your frizzy hair to her friend as you stand in front of her in line to pay. She tries on outfit after outfit and sucks her stomach in as hard as she can as she takes perfectly posed and Snapchat-filtered pictures. The basic bitch is everywhere. Her online presence, from her curated VSCO account that features text posts that read GIRLS SUPPORT GIRLS and tweets that often use the hashtags #DumpTrump and #NeverAgain, is a part of her identity and can’t be missed.
Despite all these varying people, Urban Outfitters has somehow created a brand that somehow supports all of these groups. The art hoe’s pride flag pin can be purchased at your nearest Urban Outfitters, as well as the edgy teen’s Mary Jane leaf necklace and the basic bitch’s Girl Power shirt. However, all it takes is a quick Google search to find out that the CEO of Urban Outfitters is 64-year-old billionaire Richard Hayne, who donated over $13,000 to the reelection of then-Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum in 2003. Santorum is a proud social conservative, who strongly advocates for a society oriented towards ‘family values’ and during a 2003 interview, the year Hayne donated thousands of dollars to his campaign, compared homosexuality to beastality. As you can infer, he opposes gay marriage, as well as the legality of abortion. To top it all off, Santorum rejects the scientific opinion of climate change and calls it “junk science”. Sorry, art hoes. In addition, Santorum opposes the legalization of cannabis, so sadly, the edgy teens are going to have to keep their joints tucked away in the safety of their cargo pants pockets for a bit longer. Last but not least, Santorum has consistently supported the right to bear arms, so the basic bitch’s #NeverAgain may indeed happen again.
Although the types of people that are found in an Urban Outfitters contrast significantly, they all have one commonality and fatal flaw – oblivion. There is no shame to being an art hoe, edgy teen, or basic bitch. However, there is shame in unknowingly counteracting what you preach.